You have to choose to become stronger [NQM025]

“Stepping on that IED actually saved my life. The path I was heading down I was going to a point to where I couldn’t return from. Life controlled me, I was a victim of everything. I would destroy people around me instead of building them up, I was not a good person. Even with the victory of becoming a Green Beret, I still hadn’t faced any of my issues, I was still running away from them. There was always something, I was weak, it was easy to blame somebody or something else, or use the excuses, instead of taking ownership of my life. I allowed life to own me. It wasn’t until is stepped on that IED that I was able to take control of my life again. No matter what live throws at you, you can always pick yourself off the ground and kick life in the ass.”

When I suffered my knee injury in September, I hit a speedbump in my life. Going from biking centuries to not even being able to complete a complete pedal stroke was tough. In a way, I let life run me over. I tried to show interest in other endeavors and pursuits outside of work but for some reason I couldn’t build momentum. I had forgotten the single most powerful characteristic that led me to start this blog in the first place, perspective.

A month into my slump, a good friend of me recommended I read Ryan Hendrickson’s “Tip of the spear: the incredible story of an injured Green Beret’s return to battle”, to regain some perspective. I listened to the audiobook version over a few drives to and from work, and it was just what I needed to pick myself up from the ground. Ryan is a now retired Army Green Beret who suffered what most people thought was a career ending injury to his right leg after stepping on an Improvised Explosive Device (IED) in Afghanistan in 2010. The injury labeled him as battlefield amputee, but through incredible grit, and the skills of his medical team, his limb was salvaged. Just eighteen months later, he was back on active duty as a Green Beret fighting in Afghanistan’s most IED’d region.

My injury wouldn’t even register on the radar compared to what Ryan went through. It was through his words and newfound perspective of life following the most gruesome injury of his life that I reset my mentality. It became high time I turned things around and stop feeling sorry for myself, and to go out and not waste anymore time not doing anything.

Not only did Ryan return to combat, he reinvented himself, and prospered. Prior to the injury, he often felt he was a victim of life’s circumstances when things didn’t go his way. After the injury, not only did he take complete ownership of his life and its outcomes, he returned to combat and prospered. While getting caught in an ambush in Afghanistan in 2016, at great risk of his own life, recovered the bodies of two of his Afghan soldiers when none of his Afghan counterparts wanted to go out into the hail of gunfire that was assaulting their position.

In his own words: ”Society makes life so comfortable that we actually have the luxury of forgetting that life is hard. Nobody owes you anything, and life can be extremely ugly…but it can also be amazing. I want people to read my book and realize that you can go through a life-altering catastrophic experience, but it doesn’t have to end your life or end who you are. You can blow off your leg, reattach it, and go back to combat. It’s not recommended, but it’s the path that I chose. And you can do that. What happens to you in life can mostly be dictated by how you choose to deal with any given situation.”

For his heroic actions in 2016, Ryan was awarded the Silver Star, the Army’s third highest personnel award. You can read the full citation here. Per usual, Jocko recently did a great podcast with Ryan discussing his ability to overcome past failures, his drive to recovery, and finding a path forward when there is little direction. Highlights below:

On reflecting at the end: There were two old men sitting on their porch staring out in the abyss. They didn’t know each other but had one thing in common, they were both waiting on death. One old man was miserable, he had let life’s changes pass him by and now thoughts of opportunities long gone were replaced by haunted ideas what could have been. The other old man was totally fulfilled by the life he had lived. He did everything he managed to do and now he could sit back and relish his golden moments and wonderful memories because he had lived life to the fullest. The “I wish I could have done this or that” statements are a prison of misery for the mind. You want to go through life and be perfectly content with the life you have lived. You want to do everything there is to be done. Right or wrong, you do it an never regret a decision you made.

When quitting becomes an easy out, force yourself to win: When I started realizing that giving up became almost natural, I was the entitled victim, everything was someone else’s fault. I needed a win, a big win. I was never the type to give up but with two blown marriages, a failed attempt at becoming a SEAL, and a feeling I hadn’t found my calling, I felt like I was settling in and letting life run me ragged. I had to reset my life with a major victory. That’s when I decided there would be no more losing, it was time to start winning again.

Valuable lessons learned: Always look for work, and never be stagnant. Be the guy that is always carrying the heaviest shit. Be the guy who, regardless of how bad it hurts, smiles, because you are making memories you can never recreate.

Checking in on himself after stepping on an IED: I tried to stand but I fell over in a heap. I tried to stand again and fell again. What is happening to me? I had difficulties thinking clearly. Then a moment or two later I suddenly realized what had happened. I had stepped on an IED. I suddenly became aware of the pain. I wiggled my left leg, it was bloody but it was still there. When I tried to move my right leg, the pain was unbearable. Moving the sand and dust away to get a better view I could see my right combat boot was bent at weird 90 degree angle, making a T at the end of my leg.

Facing an unknown future: The status of my lower right leg was still uncertain. The doc never sugarcoated anything. He told me that we have enough tissue to do a limb salvage surgery, we will do our best to re-attach the lower limb but there are no guarantees. We are giving it a 10-15% chance for success. If it doesn’t work, we will have to amputate. If this works, we will rewrite limb salvage medical history. At least that was a ray of hope. I had to grow back 2 inches of bone. I was ready to do some beat down sessions in PT to get that bone growing.

On setting goals, and sticking with your own intuition: One of the docs told me that it is good to have goals, it is. But my goal wasn’t realistic, that I was setting myself up for failure, because I was never going back. I understood where he was coming from, its expectation management. My biggest concern is that you set these goals up for yourself, and when they don’t happen, you can not recover from not achieving those goals. Especially as a wounded guy. You can want it and it’s a good drive, but you are in the bottom of the ninth, you need to do some management expectation. Start thinking about some other things.  

Work the hand you are dealt: I was rock bottom and getting emotional. My dad said, look son, you got dealt a bad hand and this is a speedbump in life that is all. How you handle this situation and how you pick yourself up will determine how this affects you later. As bad as it seems right now, as dark as the times may appear to be, never forget that with time, you will heal and will look back on this. Don’t allow yourself to look back and feel ashamed on how you dealt with this. Take control of your life. Own this situation, turn it into something good. Learn about yourself in a positive way, and in the end you will be a better man.

The turning point: I always found ways to rationalize my behavior, it was never my fault. I am this way because I grew up poor, this happened because I had a shitty childhood, it came to this because life is not fair. Everything was always someone or something else’s fault. I did not have control over my life, life controlled me. Even though my dad had raised me right, there are somethings you just have to learn the hard way. The saying goes what doesn’t kill you makes your stronger. This wasn’t just given to me however, I had to make the choice to become stronger. That is when I made the choice to use this near death experience to make me a better man. This will not beat me, I will take control of my life and finally take control of my actions. The hard work was just beginning.

On how we rationalize shying away from challenges: it is real easy when you have an opportunity to do something and you either fail or your are scared to try, to say well that is not cool or that is not important, or that is not for me. It happens on every level. It is something we do all the time. People do it with hard work, starting a business, etc., and they will detract from people who are working hard.

On following through with your goals: After a few months working relentlessly to rehab my leg, the doc gave me good news, I was good to deploy. Shortly after I got injured, they told me that the moment I was healthy enough to exceed the standards, they were going to take me back. The second I heard that, I only had one goal, to return to combat. When it become time to return, I was to deploy to the Panjwai district in Kandahar province, otherwise known as the birthplace of the Taliban. It was the most heavily IED’d place in Afghanistan in 2012. Times could not have been better.

On drive becoming a lifestyle: your mind quits way before your body will. If you put in this drive, and you have this goal you want to reach, and this goal is more important to you than your mind giving up on you, then you will be able to see how much further you can push yourself. It is hard until you make it a lifestyle.